i think, you have already luck from bad luck your husband's behaviour, though very bad, are consistent. otherwise, it would be very hard to make a decision. besides, you are blessed to have support!
as you saiid reading can help you to calm down, i would like to recommend books of OSHO to you. you may get some new perspectives about marriage from his book about women.
btw, are you Cantonese speakers? if yes, please buy the post in the following floor. it's for you. if you speak mandarin only, then forget it. i think the reading is effective enough.
jennifer
發表於： 2005/07/30 08:17am
[這篇文章最後由jennifer在 2005/07/30 08:20am 第 2 次編輯]
Thanks a million!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hugs!!!
Thank you so much for your genuine concern & insightful suggestions! Since I just moved to US with my husband last year and I only have a few friends here, I often feel trapped. There days, our situation becomes worse and he definitely wants to get a divorce. I have finally discuss with my dear friends and families (minus the relatives.... too much implications)! I am very touch by the amount of love and support they show. You are right. I am loved by many and I should treasure their love and support.
I found it very interesting that you point out I should change my concept about marriage. I do feel that marriage is a commitment, a vow to express and consolidate our love in front of our dear friends and families. I meant it when I said my vows. Unfortunately, he did not. He gave up what we have worked hard for all these years without showing any sign of remorse. He insists and sugercoats that getting a divorce is best for me. The reason I feel so helpless is that he did not even give our marriage a chance. He did not even sit down with me & discuss our problems ( which I did not even realize), not even trying to work things out. He claimed that he just lost his love for me even before he met the girl & fell in love with her. It just doesn't make sense to me no matter how hard I tried to reason it out. Why did he have to wait till I discovered their little rendevous and all his lies before discussing the issues? Well, it's not really discussing anyway. It's more of a lecture from him to point out my bad characteristics (which I don't think are valid).
Logically, I know that I have to let go. There's no point of dragging on. I deserve a much better future. Emotionally, it is very difficult. I am trying. Happiness should be within my control. Many of my girlfriends are single and happy. They are very independent women. One of them gave me lots of examples of how some women are much happier to leave a terrible relationship. My case (marriage) is hopeless (as in no way to save the marriage as he completely gives up). I am the type of person who identify my goals, work hard and strive to achieve it. I guess marriage is one huge exception. It takes two person to achieve a happy marriage. That's why I say it's beyond my control. I know it's time for me to let go. Whether I want to or not, I have to accept the fact that I will divorce.
About my sleeping pattern, I know exactly why I developed it. One night when I was sleeping, I woke up and realized that my husband was not in our apartment. It was 2ish. Since then, I always wake up at that time. Consciously, I know that whether I like or not, he disregards my feelings & he does his own things anyway (It's just very ironic that one of the reason I feel in love with him initially was because of his sincerity and being so considerate). If he wants to go out in the middle of the night, he goes even when I am awake anyway. Now, I listen to some soothing music to try to relax and sleep.
I still strongly believe in my values about the importance of family and love. I am very sad that he shattered my dreams of having a loving family. However, even if we stay married, there will never be trust. How can I trust him after all these lies and betrayal? Logically, I know that it's time to move on. Emotionally, I am still lagging behind....
Thank you so much for "listening".
mensch
發表於： 2005/07/30 11:01am
[這篇文章最後由mensch在 2005/07/30 11:02am 第 1 次編輯]
quote:I have developed this pattern of waking exactly @ 2am & couldn't get back to sleep no matter how hard I try. This cycle just perpetuate everyday.
you called that a pattern. since that pattern can be developed, that CAN DISAPPEAR also. i once have similar sleeping disorder like yours for a period, so you may have more confidence in my advice. please note that i wrote "can disappear", so the pattern is the subject. all you have to "do" is to "relax". actually, you have to do NOTHING. just like insomnia, one can never get asleep , when one tries hard to fall asleep. the harder one tries, the more difficult to fall asleep.
i have included many important points (i think) in the last post, such as "however, we are taught to work hard always... to be responsible is enough"
though i said you should try new positive things, you should reduce the amount and pace of your activities. it's best to leave only those you really need only, like taking care of your body. otherwise, you feel even more depressed to realize, though having put so much effort, you still remain in more or less despair. "reducing" is also a way ready for meditation.
i understand the problem of sleeping disorder: the mind is occupied with negative thoughts and sadness, and the mind is so restless that doesn't allow your body to rest. so you have to cope with your mind, but actually you don't need to work to have a peaceful state of mind. otherwise, you would be employing another "mind staff" to monitor the old "mind staff" who's been torturing you, then the old one maltreats your body even more badly.
so just let everything go and allow a peaceful state of mind to emerge.
besides, you should unlearn concepts about marriage, and rebuild your own values. divorce rate is so high nowadays. you are not the only one who suffer. there are happy and sad people among those married. for those who stay single, there are also happy and unhappy ones. so happiness is independent of marriage! one can enjoy that, when that's available. when there's not a (good) partner, there're many other things in life to enjoy still.
quote: My problem is something beyond my control now. I just have to accept the fact that my husband is no longer the same person that I married last year & love for the past 7 years.
fine. not only your husband, everything keeps changing. he chooses to change to be worse, but you can choose to change better. you now haven't get used to lose the love from him, but you can always love yourself(and surely, there must other people who love you ;). don't say you can't, that would be the worst of all. many people think they are loving themselves, but actually they always wait passively for love from others. some even "hurt" themselves to get more sympathy, and they may keep on doing that (subconsciously) and never be aware of...
so lets things go , relax, care for your body, love yourself and allow a peaceful state of mind to come. remember you are what you eat and think.
cheer up!
jennifer
發表於： 2005/07/29 07:03pm
You are right. I do feel much better after crying. & I can finally sleep after (since I am exhausted by then.) I have tried going to bed earlier, but I have developed this pattern of waking exactly @ 2am & couldn't get back to sleep no matter how hard I try. This cycle just perpetuate everyday. sigh.... Deep breathing helps a lot & exercising helps. It feels great to break the sweat & exhausts myself physically. Anything to prevent myself from thinking. Someone share this prayer with me (or something like this) & I want to share it with you too:
*** Dear Lord, Give me the the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference. ***
My problem is something beyond my control now. I just have to accept the fact that my husband is no longer the same person that I married last year & love for the past 7 years.
